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In Which I Confront the Skeptics

Jul12
2011 35 Comments Written by Jessica

For those of you who don’t know what this blog refers to, check on Part 1 here.  The short update, is that I have social anxiety.  I am going to be using a Cognitive Therapy workbook and challenging myself to certain social situations that I would normally avoid in an attempt to make my anxiety easier to cope with.  I’ll be blogging about the experience the whole way through.

I had a great response to the first blog, and I want to thank everyone who has been so supportive of this project.  It’s really scary, but I think it will be really good for me.  My first outing is on Friday night, but in the meantime, I thought I would talk about some of the questions I’ve been getting in regards to this project.

1.  If you have social anxiety, why would you blog about it?

Well, I had the idea for this project (without the blogging aspect) back in January.  I thought “You should do things that scare you on a regular basis.  Maybe by doing it a lot, it will get less scary.”  I had the thought and then….never followed through.  It was so much safer to just hang out in my room with my dog.

Look at her! Wouldn't YOU rather hang out with her, too?

To be fair, I am extremely busy working full time and developing various web projects on the side.  On top of that, there seemed to be a new event or outing to stress about that I had to do for my work every month, so the idea of adding onto that was too overwhelming.  I abandoned the idea.  I just couldn’t do it.

During this time, I was also trying to come up with a good blog for the LxL site.  I wanted to blog regularly, but everything I thought of was already being done somewhere else.  I just couldn’t think of anything new and interesting.

Then, the League of Ladies Meetup in Los Angeles got rolling.  As I watched the Facebook RSVPs go up and up and up, I started to freak out.  Like, seriously freak out.  And I didn’t want to go.  I kept trying to find reasons to skip it.  To skip a party that I had helped to set up and PLAN with my closest friends.

At that point, the ridiculousness of my situation started to really sink in.  There was NO WAY I could miss that party, and there was absolutely no reason in the world for me to be as scared of it as I was.  But as the RSVPs approached 200, I started to fall down the rabbit hole of Freak Out.  I didn’t want to be scared of such a fun, exciting event.  I wanted to be looking forward to it.  (FYI – I ended up having a good time, and I was very glad I went. But the party was overwhelming and I don’t remember a lot of it.)

So the anxiety about the Meet Up was the final impetus for me to really make this happen.  I thought to myself, “I’m never going to be able to take on this project and make myself better on my own.  I just won’t do it.  But if I blog about this experience, then someone is holding me accountable.  People are expecting me to do these things, and write about them.  I’ll have to do it.  And maybe it will help people.  Maybe there are other people out there who are just like me, and would really like to read about someone like them who is trying to make it better.”

So I asked the League founders what they thought, and they were SO supportive.  I knew this was the right decision.

Yes, it is EXTRA scary to be writing about it.  I posted the intro blog on July 6th and spent the next three days with my anxiety jacked up at least 50%.  I felt like I had taken my most intimate secret and shoved it under a microscope for anyone on the internet to look at.  I genuinely had no idea that I would feel that way once I started this.  But I’m getting more and more used to the idea, and the support from my friends and the readers has really helped me feel less anxious about the experience.

2.  You’re an actress.  How can someone with social anxiety be an actress?

They are two totally separate things.  A lot of people are under the impression that actors choose their profession because they like attention.  And, believe me, there are a lot of people who go into acting because they like attention.  But those people rarely stick around for long.  Acting isn’t about getting attention.  I imagine it means something different to everyone, but for ME, it’s about spending your life inhabiting any and every different facet of humanity.  It’s about exploring the human condition: our emotions, experiences, dreams and failures.  It’s about showing the truth of humanity in such a way that you touch people by making them laugh, cry, or just think about things in a new way.

And it’s damn hard.  The life of an actor isn’t easy.  You don’t put up with being constantly poor, constantly rejected, and constantly terrified that you’ve made a terrible mistake in your career choice just because you want attention.  You live the life because you love what you do, and can’t imagine ever doing anything else.

Also, standing up on stage and playing a role isn’t the same as standing up in front of a group of people as yourself and speaking.  It’s hard to explain, but it’s different.  You’re inserting yourself into a world.  You’re aware of the audience, and depending on the show maybe interacting with them, but it’s an entirely different animal than public speaking.

That being said, I have horrendously awful stage fright. I’ve never thrown up, but I get so nauseated that I usually can’t do much but sit in a chair with my IPod rocking back and forth.  Seriously, I look like Rainman right before a show opens.  But the second I step on stage, it disappears like it was never there.  Shooting a film is a bit different, but there is still an audience.  The first couple of days on set, I’m SO anxious that the crew are watching me thinking “Damn, she sucks. Why did they cast her?”  But after a couple of days, you get to know everyone and then I’m able to just concentrate on the work without worrying as much about what everyone thinks.  It helps that I’m happier when I’m on set working than anywhere else in the world.

Thanks again for reading everyone.  Your support really means so much to me.  Friday night I go see Harry Potter at a busy movie theatre by myself.  I’m not going to lie…I’m not looking forward to it.  But I’m very excited about the prospect of making myself better.  So onward and upward!

Posted in General Geekery, Meetups - Tagged , , ,
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  • Josh Rubinstein

    Jessica, you are an amazingly brave person for undertaking this. When I moved to LA 10 years ago, I was going through the same social anxiety. Rather than voluntarily working to get through it, I was pretty much inadvertently thrust into having to overcome a lot of social anxiety very quickly. It would have been easy for me to quit, but I decided that, since I was in it now, I might as well just see it through. It was a really tough time for me, but I came through it all the more confident and able to go out and be a part of the world. It’s a tough journey, to be sure, but the benefits will be greater than you could possibly imagine. 

    I admire your courage and wish you all the best with this! 

    • http://twitter.com/geekyjessica Jessica Mills

      Thank you Josh!  I’m so glad to hear that things have gotten better for you by pushing through.  That makes me feel so much better!  And good for you for toughing it out and becoming more confident!  That’s not easy.  Props to you, sir!

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=677439807 Josh Rubinstein

        Thanks! The journey never really ends, and I do still like to push myself. This past year, I went up against my fear of public speaking by doing stand-up comedy. SDCC, however, is going to be the biggest test yet: I’ll be speaking in Hall H! Yeah, I’m losing sleep over this one. But if I can do this well, then I’ll feel confident enough move on to tackling my biggest Achilles’ Heel: self promotion. It’s weird how our anxieties manifest themselves. It may not seem like such a big thing, but attempting to promote myself, who I am, and the skills I have always makes me freeze. But the fact that I’m willing is the real step.

        And that’s the big take-away from you going to see Harry Potter on Friday. How well you fare is almost irrelevant. The fact that you’re willing to do it at all takes immense strength. To slightly paraphrase Armageddon: “You’re already a hero. Just sit back and enjoy the ride.” :)

  • http://www.csdaley.com csdaley

    I write as a way to explore what it means to get inside of other people. I write blogs as a way to figure myself out. There is a danger that goes with writing because yoh get to sit in a room alone and unbothered by social interactionln

    I try to make sure I remove myself from it. I have had a lot of skeptics about my blog also. Especially when it comes to some of the more depressing moments in my life. There will always be people who think your trying to grab for attention. Don’t let them stop you. They don’t understand. There is a misconception in the general public about what being part of an art form is. Rejection, self-doubt, no money, are far more common then glamerous covers of people magazine. Every rejection stings to the bone (even the nice ones).

    You are brave. This blog is brave. I look forward to going on the journey with you. Thank you for letting me.

    • http://twitter.com/geekyjessica Jessica Mills

      Thank you so much!  It’s good to hear.  This is so hard for me to do, and hearing people say they think I’m doing it for the wrong reasons just makes it that much harder.  It helps to know it’s not just me. I don’t know why, but it does.  Thank you for all your support!  You’ve been a great friend.  :-)

  • http://www.csdaley.com csdaley

    I wonder what a Bligh is? Stupid iPad keyboard. I have to remember to read before posting ;)

  • http://twitter.com/RemyKat Remy

    I get the stage-fright thing. At school (when I was still brave enough to do plays) I’d be terrified all the way up to the moment I got on stage and didn’t screw up my first line :P Then it was awesome :) But ask me to make a speech and HELL NO I’m nervous and shaking the whole way through.

    • http://twitter.com/geekyjessica Jessica Mills

      Public speaking is the WORST!  ha ha

  • Anonymous

    I’m an extroverted introvert, as my mom dubbed me.  I acted through high school and college and worked at Disneyland.  And while I was fine with talking to strangers – it was my job, and seemed more like acting sometimes than anything else, I never went to any of the parties after work.  Part of it is that I’ve never been much of a drinker, but mostly, parties just get too overwhelming to me.  But once I stopped working at Disneyland, and got a regular job that involved a lot less interaction… I became a lot more isolated- even with my husband and my boys, it’s been hard for me to push myself to do anything new.

    I’ve discovered that for me, doing certain things alone, is completely different than you’d expect.  Going to the movies was the easiest thing for me.  Sure they’re strangers- but there’s no expectation of interaction other than someone wondering if the seat beside you is taken.  Nobody’s going to talk to you during the movie, and while they might wonder why you’re alone, you can just focus on the movie and let that take over the anxiety of worrying what they might be thinking.

    Going to Disneyland by yourself is easier than you’d think, too.  For the bigger rides, they’re more concerned with filling seats than judging people who go on a ride by themselves- from working there, I never wondered why someone went on a ride alone.  I just assumed they wanted to go on a ride that the rest of their group didn’t.  And if you have a phone to kill time while waiting in a long line, or an ipod to listen to… it’s that much easier.
    Thank you for sharing this.  I guess I just wanted to share that you aren’t alone with your anxiety.  I’m trying to push myself forward too, and try to get out of the mess I’m in.  (I bailed on the LxL meetup in LA because of anxiety and I regret it)

    • http://twitter.com/geekyjessica Jessica Mills

      Thank you so much for your support.  I’m so sorry you missed the meetup, but I don’t blame you one bit.  It was a scary prospect!  I hope someday you can come out to one.  In the meantime, let’s push ourselves together!  Take baby steps here and there, and let me know how it goes for you!

      • http://www.whitneydrake.com Whitney Drake

        I promised myself that the next one in LA, I’m going!  I’m definitely working on pushing myself this year.  I think my next challenge will be to meet with one of my ‘net based friends who lives here in LA, who I talk to regularly on Twitter but haven’t met in real life.  I keep putting it off, and can’t find a rational reason why.

        • http://twitter.com/geekyjessica Jessica Mills

          YES!  Definitely do it! I think that’s a great first step. When I went to Wonder Con, I was so nervous about meeting for the first time so many people I talk to online all the time, but what I discovered was that it immediately felt like we’d been friends for a long time.  Because we had!

  • http://twitter.com/NikkiSticks Nicole G.

    I am still amazed at how awesome you are. I think you are really brave, and by doing all this and blogging about it, you are helping yourself and lots of others. There are so many of us with anxiety, it is nothing to be ashamed of anymore. The more we all talk about it, like you are, the better it will be. Thank you for your work my friend! 

    • http://twitter.com/geekyjessica Jessica Mills

      Nikki!  You rock.  You’ve been so supportive of me, and I really appreciate it.  And, yes, you are totally right.  Social anxiety feels like such a dirty little secret, yet it’s one of the most common problems among people.  That’s ridiculous!  We SHOULD be talking about it.  The more we discuss it, the more it loses it’s power.  Thank you for reminding me of that!  I needed it.  :-)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=805685452 Tonya Ritchey Rosenberg

    I used to suffer from some pretty severe anxiety. As a kid I remember getting so anxious about participating in a puppet show (in which the only part of me visible to the audience would be my hand in a sock puppet) that I had a severe stomach ache and couldn’t participate.
    In my 30s I decided to start challenging myself and going outside of my comfort zone. I’ve worked on everything from maintaining eye contact during conversations to giving talks to groups of people about postpartum mood disorders. I even challenged myself to do stand-up comedy! 
    It’s still something I struggle with, this desire to do things but the anxiety and fear that comes with it. I can say that I think time has helped me personally – the more mature I got, the less things like caring what others thought bugged me. I can also say that challenging yourself can help a lot. Just remember to give yourself lots of kudos for every success, no matter how small. For me, medication is just going to be a part of my life, too. Not everyone wants or needs to take meds, but I know that it works for me, personally. 
    This is the first time I’ve read this blog, and your ability to challenge yourself and to hold yourself accountable is really impressive. That you would blog your intentions so that others could help hold you accountable speaks volumes about your strength and bravery. I don’t know you (yet), but after reading this blog, I respect the hell out of you!

    • http://twitter.com/geekyjessica Jessica Mills

      I am a firm believer that ever individual is different, and must approach their journey differently.  Some people need heavy medication, some light, some need cognitive therapy.  We’re all different!  I really hope I’m the latter, just because I don’t have health insurance.  HA!  I’m too poor for medication!  I’m hoping I can correct things on my own.   Thank you so much for your support.  I really appreciate it.  This is so scary for me!  Notes like yours really help keep me going.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=805685452 Tonya Ritchey Rosenberg

        Medications are stupid-pricey, so I definitely understand about wanting to avoid yet another expense. 

        There are lots of other really useful, non-medicine ways to reduce anxiety that can work for some people as well as, or better than, meds. One of my friends with Generalized Anxiety says that exercise boosts her endorphin levels enough to reduce some of her anxiety. She also found out that her thyroid was off a bit, and getting on thyroid medication helped with her anxiety. Just goes to show that there are not only a lot of treatment and coping options, but there are a lot of causes, too.You hang in there. I’m rooting for you!

      • Mac Eagan

        My wife suffers from depression and requires meds to manage it.  We are fortunate that we do have insurance because I know what happens when she is off her med schedule.  I also have diabetes, which is actually important to this post – not just a reason to be glad I have insurance.
        She used to think her depression was somehow “her fault” and controllable through willpower.  It’s easy for those on the outside to look in and think (or even say) ‘just get over it.’  And it can be easy for the sufferer to believe them and try to blame herself.
        But a friend who was aware of our situation made a really good point.  He said to my wife, ‘You can’t will your way through depression any more than your husband can will his way off of insulin.  There is something physically wrong with your body, it doesn’t make the chemicals and hormones you need to have a properly balanced attitude and approach to life.  You require medication and that is not something to be ashamed of or blame yourself for.’
        I am not trying to say you are somehow in denial (you recognize and admit you have social anxiety) or that meds are the only thing that will help.  Or even that you feel your anxiety is somehow your fault.
        Just that if you can, get a professional diagnosis (if you have not already) and work as closely with your doctor as possible.
        Most importantly, I wish you well on your journey.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=570261944 Madison DeNiro

    Social anxiety can be a real pain in the head for me. I can get so stressed that I give myself a migaine. That provides me with the perfect excuse not to go do whatever it was that caused the anxiety. I took voice lessons as a kid (former Glee Kid) and I was fine in a group but the idea of doing a solo freaked me out. I ended up quitting because there was no way I was going to be able to do a solo. I still love to sing but I only do it when no one is around or if the people around have already heard me. 

    Kudos to you for trying to make your life better. There are a whole bunch of people here who are behind you… possibly way behind you peaking out from behind a tree…

    • http://twitter.com/geekyjessica Jessica Mills

      You made me laugh out loud.  And I read your comment to my friend, and he laughed out loud.  I love that image!!  Even if you guys are peeking from behind a tree, your support helps me so much!  Thank you for reading and making me laugh on a tough day.

      I, too, am a singer, but terrified of singing in front of others.  One of my goals is to sing karaoke sober, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to take me MONTHS to get there!  ha ha. 

      Thanks again!

  • Lee Osbourne

    *hugs* great stuff! 

    • http://twitter.com/geekyjessica Jessica Mills

      Thanks so much!

  • http://twitter.com/willb473 will bates

    I look at blogging/writing about things as more than simply a form of self-therapy, it’s a way to impose some accountability on yourself.  Now you’ve gone public with it, so we all know what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. There will always be people that don’t understand, that will tell you to “get over it”, or “just deal with it”…. don’t listen to them, they’re not the ones that will help you through it.  reading the responses to this as well as your first one, you’ve got plenty of support and assistance already.  

    Like Madison said, we’re behind you.

    • http://twitter.com/geekyjessica Jessica Mills

      Thank you!  The support really helps.  This is such a scary prospect, and it’s so new, my confidence is easily shaken.  Everyone’s cheers and kind words make me feel like I’m doing the right thing.  Thanks for reading and commenting!

  • http://www.dawgnet.ca/ ABCDawg

    You will be stronger.
    I’m certain you will succeed!
    So says this haiku.

    • http://twitter.com/geekyjessica Jessica Mills

      You. Wrote. Me. A. Haiku.  Best comment ever!  Thank you!  So awesome!  ha ha

      • http://www.dawgnet.ca/ ABCDawg

        You’re welcome! It seemed an appropriately geeky method of conveying my thoughts. :) Srsly, I’m sure you’ll rock it.

  • Ryan Crowley

    As much as I want to support you doing this, I feel like you are supporting me by being brave enough to show me and others that it can be done, or at least attempted. :)

    I have a very hard time breaking out of my comfort zone, and to see you out there doing it has me believing I can do it too. So please keep it up, as I am also slightly competitive, I will being constantly trying to keep up with you.

    • http://twitter.com/geekyjessica Jessica Mills

      Ryan!  Thank you for reading. Please do try and keep up with me.  It will be good for both of us, and we can support each other along the way!  :-)

  • http://twitter.com/stavefejl Jens Riggelsen

    The big problem with social anxiety and curing it by confrontation is that there’s a risk of it backfiring if you jump head first into those situations that cause fear. An example would be something like this: you go to a party – you’re obviously quite nervous already. You start having symptoms like shaking hands or blushing, and start to dread. This makes the symptoms worse and you start losing track of the conversation you were engaged in. It ends with you leaving early and looking back at the night as a disaster and a confirmation that the anxiety was justified.
    One of the things that does help is trying not to hide – your symptoms or yourself – and just be open about it. I’m not saying to go up to everyone saying “Hi, I have social anxiety, how do you do?”, but hiding something like shaking hands is impossible, because it’ll only make it worse. And there’s no reason to hide it or yourself, because people aren’t that judgmental. Rather, most people are quite helpful in those situations. 
    The big problem for many people with social anxiety is increased self-consciousness; thoughts of how we appear to others, how others react to what we’re doing or saying, constantly and automatically running on a sidetrack. If you learn to be aware of those thoughts, you can shut them down before they take up so much space that there isn’t room for other thoughts.

    Ah, sorry for the wall of text and the rambling, got a bit obsessed with sharing there :)  My point was actually that I think you’ll do quite well, since you’re open about your anxiety. And to make others with social anxiety aware that confrontation isn’t as straight forward a solution as with other anxieties / phobias.

    Looking forward to reading the next post :)  And hoping the very best for you.

    • http://twitter.com/geekyjessica Jessica Mills

      Never apologize for speaking up on my blog! I love it, thank you for sharing.  And I really appreciate the support!

  • http://twitter.com/letodan Daniel Rioux

    Let me say this. I am completely amazed by you Jessica. You suffer from social anxiety but still, you succeed in touching so many hearts with everything you do “socially”. Your web serie, your videos, your blogs, your twitter accounts, etc. It’s quite simply incredible. At a time where social media are so strong, it is quite special that no matter how much you suffer from your problem, one can still use social tools to reach to people like that! I’m a shy guy, I hate talking on the phone and some stuff like that, but I never thought it could be social anxiety. I’m probably a light case but still, I realize now that I’m not alone feeling this way! Thanks to you Jessica! You are willing to do things to get out of it and for that, I admire you. Continue your good work and good luck for the future! :-)

    • http://twitter.com/geekyjessica Jessica Mills

      Wow.  Thank you so much for saying that.  I really appreciate it!  And thanks for reading!

  • Therese

    W
    If you hear a big “Hurray” as you take your seat Friday, that’ll be me cheering you on! 

    Have a great time,  and get lost in the movie!

    • http://twitter.com/geekyjessica Jessica Mills

       YAY!  Thank you!

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