Hollywood likes to take our childhood over it’s knee and spank it till all it’s change falls out of it’s pockets. Then Hollywood grabs the change and takes off laughing about what a sap you were to stand in line for two hours on premiere night just to get your ass spanked. There is much evidence for this, but my favorite rant is the crap writing and casting that goes into putting some of our favorite comic ladies on the big screen. I’ve singled out a few of my least faves.
#5: Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane
I don’t hate Kate Bosworth. She’s not terrible. Her two-tone eyeballs kinda creep me out, but generally she’s fine. But as Lois Lane?! What?! Margot Kidder was an INCREDIBLE Lois Lane! She had such…such…BALLS. She was tough, brassy (with the exception of that weird flying poetry), and one of my first female role models. Kate Bosworth in Superman Returns. I mean, let’s put aside the fact that now she’s a mommy (aka, barefoot and in the kitchen), but where’s her sense of adventure! It’s all “Oh, I love Superman, He’s my baby daddy, I won a Pulitzer writing about how mad I was that he left me, er I mean the world…” Good job, Hollywood. Way to take one of the most kick ass women in Comics and make her LAME.
*sigh* Moving on.
Halle Berry as Catwoman
Catwoman aka Selena Kyle, is a sexy woman. She’s incredibly powerful and embraces everything about herself that is Woman. Men drool, women drool…she’s kinda like the Angelina Jolie of comic books. So, of course, Hollywood casts arguably one of the most beautiful women in existence….regardless of whether or not she is actually even remotely tough in any way. ‘Cause, Halle Berry is about as intimidating as a caterpillar. If her Catwoman showed up at my door I’d sic my dog on her and laugh. Really guys? Really? There weren’t ANY hot, sexy actresses you could cast who are actually badasses? No? Fine.
#3: Jessica Alba: Invisible Woman
OK, I didn’t hate her in the first movie. I hated the first movie, but it was such a clusterfuck, it was hard to concentrate on any one element. It was Rise of the Silver Surfer where my WHAT THE FUCK radar went off. Jessica Alba is neither white nor blonde. I think we all know this. So they dyed her hair a really weird fake blonde. In the first one it was kind of dirty blonde-ish and I didn’t really notice it. In Surfer, it’s like “Whoa! Did she do that herself? Was she drunk?” Too much, guys. Too much. It really should have stopped there, but they also shoved blue contact lenses in her eyeballs that looked even less real than the blonde hair. What possessed them to do that? Were they blind? Like, literally, were they completely blind? She looked freakishly strange and weirded me out so much I couldn’t even begin to tell you what the “plot” of that movie was. All I remember is freak hair and freak eyeballs.
#2: Anna Paquin: Rogue
I loved reading X-Men as a kid. LOVED IT. And as a little girl from Texas, seeing a Southern Belle kick some serious ass was awesome. Rogue is a hot redhead from the South who flirts while she punches and it’s HOT. Then Hollywood decides to make her about 12 years old and wimpy. OK, she wasn’t 12. But she was young. And all up on Wolverine’s nuts like a mutant Lolita. What were they thinking? What a waste of an awesome character! They made her young, scared and virtually useless. USELESS. I AM STILL MAD ABOUT THIS.
Which leads to my number one:
#1: Halle Berry: Storm
Storm is another incredibly powerful woman. As a kid, I always thought of her as the matriarch of the X-Men. She’s a leader, she commands LIGHTNING AND THUNDER PEOPLE. But, no, let’s just grab any excuse we can to put Halle Berry in a skin tight costume. Oh, and then let’s make her character do ALMOST NOTHING because it’s more fun to have Wolverine and Cyclops get into a pissing contest over Jean Grey while tiny worthless Rogue clings to Wolverine like a desperate spidermonkey. Don’t even get me started on 2 and 3.
So there you have it. The story of how Hollywood took the role models of my childhood and made them worthless. Thanks, guys.